I’m about 10 days into my my approximately month-long visit to England and things aren’t going nearly as well as I’d hoped. C is grating on my nerves again (I’m 90% sure now we’re going to break up when I leave here) and it’s much colder than it’s meant to be – just my luck they have their coldest winter in decades when I’m over, right? Britain isn’t used to having snow and such and utterly fails at dealing with it. Trains cancelled, roads and sidewalks still covered with ice – it hasn’t snowed here since Monday and it’s still like that! And all this means that tomorrow, when I was finally supposed to see some friends at a Trampolining Society reunion, several of the girls have had to back out because they simply can’t get here. Great.
Things aren’t going as well with his family as they used to, either. I’m noticing their preferential treatment of their other children to C more, and this whole business with moving houses, and divorced parents dating again but still fighting – ugh, it’s stupid and complicated. C’s step-dad now stays most nights over at his mum’s, which you would think would be good for us since it leaves us the house to ourselves. But then C wants sex, which I rarely feel in the mood for anymore. It also means that while his step-dad would normally leave the heat off, C has now agreed to pitch in again for the bills just so we don’t turn into popsicles. The combination of the weather and C’s parents’ relationship turmoil also screws with us when they start playing musical houses with the kids; several times now they’ve told us we’re staying over at his mum’s only to be told we’re not, actually, last minute. I prefer hers because it’s generally warmer, it has a better tv, a bed that’s not meant for half of one person with 2 people trying to fit on it, and a nice big tub with jets that I have yet to try out. Tonight we’re finally over here but guess what. The t.v. is screwed up. The internet still isn’t up though they moved months ago, so we’re still using this phone dongle to get basic internet. And a pipe has frozen so that there’s no hot water downstairs, and no water at all upstairs. Gee, I wonder why they had us over tonight?
They also aren’t being quite as friendly as they were last year, maybe just because they’re so busy with themselves; he’s usually over here with the rest of the family (minus C, of course) and the rare occasion we’ve been over here, so far, she’s gone out for the night with her friends. Last year I got invitations all the time to go out shopping with them and whatnot. None this year. That could be due to them actually trying to save money, though; they’ve been so bad at it in the past they both declared bancruptcy this winter. C was telling me how they went all out buying the kids presents for Christmas since they weren’t really going to be paying off their credit card bills anyway, which led me to expect at least one substantial gift from them for the holidays, especially after the wonderful bounty they gave me last year. Instead, I got a cheap umbrella, a cheaper shiny scarf, and a pair of knit slipper-socks. The whole family combined, I probably spent about $100 on C and $70 on the rest of them. And it’s not like I’m rolling in the dough here!
I know I’m sounding spoiled and ungrateful yet again. But things just aren’t what I expected. Nor are they fair and that’s always been a thing of mine; I don’t mind if what you give me (in terms of anything) is barely anything, as long as it’s that way between us all around. But I don’t like being the one who gives and gives, and barely gets. Because for me, it’s not about giving and getting; it’s about being fair and equal.
And yet, it’s depressing to think of going home because while my house is more comfortable for me there, the rest of my life still sucks. I didn’t even get an interview for NYC teaching fellows, never mind a position, so that route’s out for at least another year. Which means I’m still at the seasonal school photography thing which barely pays the bills, and that I really have to get a jump on things if I want to have any hope of applying to grad school for the fall. And friends at home… hah! Now that the holiday parties are over, I’ll be lucky if I see one or two at least once a month. Everyone’s all paired off now and has Monday through Friday jobs that leave them too tired and busy with other things on the weekends. If I do break up with C, there goes my love life. So what, really, am I going home to?
The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s covered in snow and doog shit no matter where you are.
