Miss Independent

My not-so-secret neurosis: I’m lonely most of the time.

If I could, I’d socialize every day. Like back in college. Because at least then I could pretend I wasn’t so alone. And that someone actually liked me.

I’m not so crazy as to think no one likes me; just nearly no one likes me enough. Something, someone always comes first. Something keeps us apart. Nine times out of ten, they don’t care about me as much as I care about them.

And it’s a lonely way to live. Being so co-dependent in a world that you can’t depend upon.

Insult to Injury

So I snuck a sneaky peek at C’s Facebook… he’s been slagging me off to his mom and friend for this kitten business! Calling me immature, bossy, and a spoiled brat for bringing her home when I knew my parents didn’t especially want a new cat. He doesn’t understand how my family works, and that I was prepared to bring her back if they didn’t accept her after a bit. In fact, I almost do want to bring her back but my mom and siblings are alll over her. Anyways, he even put words in my mouth, giving a ‘direct quote’ to his friend that I never said! So pissed. And now I’ve just completely shot him down when he went to explain some move that just happened in the baseball game.

I just don’t even care anymore. I started realizing a month ago things weren’t working with him, and it’s just so hard to pretend nothing is wrong. But how am I supposed to tell him now, when he has 6 more weeks of living in my home, and when I’m going back to England for a month around the winter holidays? Not that I’ve booked my flight yet but I have lots of stuff there, and I want to see his family again and say my good-byes properly, and see my cousin who’s going to Cambridge. So our situation = awkward city. I just don’t know what to do…

Oh, Life.

Let’s recap this week, shall we?

I spent my birthday working and wallowing in self-pity; got a half-decent ice cream cake and some expensive gifts I felt completely ungrateful for not liking (but honestly, he got me lotions and sprays the same as the many I have piled up already).

I spent the rest of the week finding out the very same four people who had said to have my birthday dinner on Saturday, in the city or Queens so people would actually go, and they’d go celebrate Simchat Torah afterwards, are not able to go to dinner because they’re going to shul then. And not even seeming apologetic about it; I’m texting back and forth with one of them now and she said they’ve had these plans for a while. Maybe so but then they shouldn’t have told me to have it that night! And then when I did make it for that night, they should have said right then they couldn’t go, not said yes and then the DAY BEFORE THE DINNER tell me they can’t!

Also just found out A’s school pictures were yesterday; instead of requesting to do his, I was out in Oceanside yesterday and today, and not even able to sleep over at K’s because of a stupid team meeting yesterday. Plus I wanted to get home to my new kitten… not that she’s very cuddly; more crazy and blood-drawing like. And whom everyone else is hogging… and who it seems I’m quite allergic to! I don’t know why I’d be allergic to her and not every other cat I’ve had my whole life, but the nose doesn’t lie… So that + my dad is severely not happy about me bringing her home = she might go back to N.

Speaking of N, she cheated on her near fiance yet again, with D, the guy who liked me but apparently had a thing for her for a while even though she’s been dating his good friend for 3 years. So he’s a d-bag, and she seems to be one too, as well as a bit of a slut. So I’m starting to not like her, and yet, she was one of the only people I actually liked at the camp. I was planning to go back next summer, and she had said she probably would too if I was there. But now… I don’t know, we’ll see what happens.

I think that’s it for now… we’ll see how tomorrow goes, if anyone actually shows up. Two of those four, plus another friend, are sick and probably won’t be there, and then even if the other two show up for drinks, I’m going to be peeved they weren’t there for dinner. Maybe I’ll get over it by then, but maybe not…

Anyways off to have something somewhat resembling a life….

Hyperbole

One time, while my sister was acting up about something stupid yet again, my brother said, “Uh-oh, she’s having another sh*t fit,” to which I responded, “Her whole life is a sh*t fit.” We found it hysterical at the time (still do think it’s pretty fitting and funny, actually).

Well, if her life is a sh*t fit, mine’s just one big load of disappointment.

It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to…

I don’t know why I always think things will change. People will care/try more, stupid things won’t keep happening, I won’t keep being left entirely responsible for my own happiness.

Maybe I am co-dependent, maybe you should only depend on yourself to make yourself happy and whatever else, whomever else, comes along is just extra?

I don’t know if it’s high expectation or low results, but I can’t remember a birthday where, at least at some point during the day, I haven’t felt depressed. Not because I’m getting older (though I’m starting to reach the age where I want the years to start pausing or even rewindng), but because of what happens – or lack thereof.

Maybe things will be better once some sort of celebration is under way; family dinner tomorrow (though by family, I mean my parents and myself because everyone else is far too busy to think of joining us) and Saturday I’m planning on a big dinner with my friends in the city. If I can find a suitable restaurant; I called one today but for a group our size they had a fixed menu with a price of $60 per person! Outrageous. Funny, but the one person actually helping me with all of it is a girl I met exactly a year ago at my friend’s wedding; we’ve met up once since then to go to a vegetarian restaurant since we both are of that persuasion. C’s been no help at all. He actually just called; apparently I’ve been home alone for hours because they’ve all been out running errands (and finally getting me some sort of gift?) but didn’t even remember to actually say ‘Happy Birthday.’ Oh well, we’ll see how the week pans out, I guess.

And yes, I know I’m a whiny bitch. I’ll be better tomorrow.

Endings

When did we get to the point where you mumble your words, and I don’t bother to understand them? When I’m gone all day and grateful for the break from you, when you turn your face to a computer game and I lose myself in the mindlessness of my own internet pursuits? How did we get here, with me hiding my growing nose in your neck as you ask why I’m suddenly encouraging you to get a job back in England? When we both knows that will probably spell the end of us…

When did I decide there would be an end to us?

Trashed my own house party ’cause nobody came…

I though I’d changed so much from high school.  Became more confident, self-assured, out-going.  I have more friends, more of a social life.

And yet, I throw a party, obstensibly to welcome C to NY and have him meet some people, that basically spanned two days since there was all this talk about how Friday was better for half, and Saturday better for the other half.  And yesterday, seven people came.  Tonight – zero.  I sent out dozens of text messages and Facebook invites and only seven people came.  For tonight, only one person even bothered to respond to say they couldn’t go (despite saying yesterday today would be better for her).

And here I thought I wasn’t such a loser anymore…. But if that’s the case, then why don’t even my friends want to make the effort to hang out with me?*  Tonight was supposed to have at least a small group of people over, drinking some beer and having fun.  Instead, I spent it alone in my room (with C in the basement because we had some stupid fight over something I can’t even remember anymore).

*Not counting the couple who made the effort to meet up for a bit this afternoon since they couldn’t make either night.  At least I have a handful of good friends?

Taking It To The Next Step

Is there anyone out there who has NOT recently become engaged?!  This is honestly ridiculous; there must be at least 20 people I know from either high school or college who have gotten engaged (or even married) over the past couple of years.  I heard about 3 of them this weekend alone.  I thought people were, statistically, getting married later in life, not in their early 20s?

Is something similar happening to anyone else out there?  And just how far from these people will I feel if (when?) C and I break up and I’m back to square one?

AHHHHHHHHHH

I am a bundle of nerves and contradictions; excited, eager, and a little anxious because, after 72 long days, C is finally on his way here!  I am also very worried and concerned because my grandma is back in the hospital after her operation with a blood infection.  Which is apparently very not good news…  I wanted to go down to Florida with my mom to visit her but was told that between money issues, C being here, and that my grandma wouldn’t want me there seeing her, I should stay here.  So I guess I will but I still wish I could see and talk to her now, just in case….

Both these situations are wreaking havoc on my body, which does not respond so well to stress

DJ Confusion

When you leave, I am disappointed.  A forced smile that wants to bend downwards, and the snaking feeling of guilt writhing up inside.  I don’t know what I wanted from you tonight, but — more.  More than the light touch of your hand on my back, my skin bare beneath the loose netting of the backless black shirt.  More than a kiss in the air by my ear hello, your eyes bright but distant.

I can’t be obvious, though everyone knows of this flirtation.  I move to the other room of the bar, the heat stifling like my conscience warning me away.  I try not to look for you too often; I try to not stare when you sing, your voice hitting each note perfectly.  I remember N teasing me last week, saying they could hear from the sidewalk how you were trying, trying to impress me.  And is another fan all you want, or maybe just another girl in your bed?  Everyone warns me against you, even as they tell me of your interest.

Nothing will, nothing can come of this.  Firm morals, the image of his face if he ever knew, ever thought I would betray him, they hold me back.  But the casual wave of your hand good-bye strikes me, your absence before I even realize what is happening, a slight crush on my spirits.

And is this a sign, a hint?  Is it merely boredom and loneliness, that certain glint in your eye I haven’t seen in anyone in what feels like too long?  Are you anything more than a passing fancy, do you and the faceless men in my dreams mean anything?

And when he comes, when this boy I call mine, his nickname the same as your initials — how will I feel then?