The greener grass is covered in snow

I’m about 10 days into my my approximately month-long visit to England and things aren’t going nearly as well as I’d hoped. C is grating on my nerves again (I’m 90% sure now we’re going to break up when I leave here) and it’s much colder than it’s meant to be – just my luck they have their coldest winter in decades when I’m over, right? Britain isn’t used to having snow and such and utterly fails at dealing with it. Trains cancelled, roads and sidewalks still covered with ice – it hasn’t snowed here since Monday and it’s still like that! And all this means that tomorrow, when I was finally supposed to see some friends at a Trampolining Society reunion, several of the girls have had to back out because they simply can’t get here. Great.

Things aren’t going as well with his family as they used to, either. I’m noticing their preferential treatment of their other children to C more, and this whole business with moving houses, and divorced parents dating again but still fighting – ugh, it’s stupid and complicated. C’s step-dad now stays most nights over at his mum’s, which you would think would be good for us since it leaves us the house to ourselves. But then C wants sex, which I rarely feel in the mood for anymore. It also means that while his step-dad would normally leave the heat off, C has now agreed to pitch in again for the bills just so we don’t turn into popsicles. The combination of the weather and C’s parents’ relationship turmoil also screws with us when they start playing musical houses with the kids; several times now they’ve told us we’re staying over at his mum’s only to be told we’re not, actually, last minute. I prefer hers because it’s generally warmer, it has a better tv, a bed that’s not meant for half of one person with 2 people trying to fit on it, and a nice big tub with jets that I have yet to try out. Tonight we’re finally over here but guess what. The t.v. is screwed up. The internet still isn’t up though they moved months ago, so we’re still using this phone dongle to get basic internet. And a pipe has frozen so that there’s no hot water downstairs, and no water at all upstairs. Gee, I wonder why they had us over tonight?

They also aren’t being quite as friendly as they were last year, maybe just because they’re so busy with themselves; he’s usually over here with the rest of the family (minus C, of course) and the rare occasion we’ve been over here, so far, she’s gone out for the night with her friends. Last year I got invitations all the time to go out shopping with them and whatnot. None this year. That could be due to them actually trying to save money, though; they’ve been so bad at it in the past they both declared bancruptcy this winter. C was telling me how they went all out buying the kids presents for Christmas since they weren’t really going to be paying off their credit card bills anyway, which led me to expect at least one substantial gift from them for the holidays, especially after the wonderful bounty they gave me last year. Instead, I got a cheap umbrella, a cheaper shiny scarf, and a pair of knit slipper-socks. The whole family combined, I probably spent about $100 on C and $70 on the rest of them. And it’s not like I’m rolling in the dough here!

I know I’m sounding spoiled and ungrateful yet again. But things just aren’t what I expected. Nor are they fair and that’s always been a thing of mine; I don’t mind if what you give me (in terms of anything) is barely anything, as long as it’s that way between us all around. But I don’t like being the one who gives and gives, and barely gets. Because for me, it’s not about giving and getting; it’s about being fair and equal.

And yet, it’s depressing to think of going home because while my house is more comfortable for me there, the rest of my life still sucks. I didn’t even get an interview for NYC teaching fellows, never mind a position, so that route’s out for at least another year. Which means I’m still at the seasonal school photography thing which barely pays the bills, and that I really have to get a jump on things if I want to have any hope of applying to grad school for the fall. And friends at home… hah! Now that the holiday parties are over, I’ll be lucky if I see one or two at least once a month. Everyone’s all paired off now and has Monday through Friday jobs that leave them too tired and busy with other things on the weekends. If I do break up with C, there goes my love life. So what, really, am I going home to?

The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s covered in snow and doog shit no matter where you are.

Musings

Right now, I’m on an old computer. It has pictures from years ago and music from years ago and it’s all making me nostalgic for college. It’s not that I wish I could go back now; visiting Bing over Alumni Weekend made me sure of that. I wouldn’t fit in with the current students and I wouldn’t want to. I’m so much older than they are and yet, I still feel like I’m 20. Like living in the dorms on campus was just the other day, when friends were down the hall instead of different zip codes, different states, different countries! I guess I just wish that time of my life had stretched on, the years lasting so much longer than 24 hours a day.

Browsing the pictures on here, I found one of myself from when I was 19, thin and in shape and wholly insecure. I wish I had then the confidence I have now; it would have been a lot more fun, and saved me quite a bit of heartbreak. It’s easier to be the one who holds the power over the boys, knowing they want you and you can be the one to make or break their dreams of getting in your pants. When what you really want is them in your heart. The year that picture was taken, I went on a couple of dates with M, the artistic poet who represented my dream guy, green eyes and all. Never mind that he was a pothead, never mind that in answer to my direct question if he was a player, he lied and said “No.” But then, could I really expect anyone to say “yes” to that?

It took me a long time to get over M — lots of poems, some good and some bad. Looking back on it now, I think if I had been then the kind of person I am now, that heartbreak might not have happened. Or at least not so severely. I would have played it more cool, I would have been wiser to what type of person he really was (though to be fair, he had such an intense, all-in air about him, I might not have seen through it). But then, if I hadn’t had the experience of M, and the other jerks I dated, would I be this type of person who can sum up a guy in a glance? Probably not.

Ah, life… why must you always be so complication and convoluted?

Miss Independent

My not-so-secret neurosis: I’m lonely most of the time.

If I could, I’d socialize every day. Like back in college. Because at least then I could pretend I wasn’t so alone. And that someone actually liked me.

I’m not so crazy as to think no one likes me; just nearly no one likes me enough. Something, someone always comes first. Something keeps us apart. Nine times out of ten, they don’t care about me as much as I care about them.

And it’s a lonely way to live. Being so co-dependent in a world that you can’t depend upon.

Insult to Injury

So I snuck a sneaky peek at C’s Facebook… he’s been slagging me off to his mom and friend for this kitten business! Calling me immature, bossy, and a spoiled brat for bringing her home when I knew my parents didn’t especially want a new cat. He doesn’t understand how my family works, and that I was prepared to bring her back if they didn’t accept her after a bit. In fact, I almost do want to bring her back but my mom and siblings are alll over her. Anyways, he even put words in my mouth, giving a ‘direct quote’ to his friend that I never said! So pissed. And now I’ve just completely shot him down when he went to explain some move that just happened in the baseball game.

I just don’t even care anymore. I started realizing a month ago things weren’t working with him, and it’s just so hard to pretend nothing is wrong. But how am I supposed to tell him now, when he has 6 more weeks of living in my home, and when I’m going back to England for a month around the winter holidays? Not that I’ve booked my flight yet but I have lots of stuff there, and I want to see his family again and say my good-byes properly, and see my cousin who’s going to Cambridge. So our situation = awkward city. I just don’t know what to do…

Oh, Life.

Let’s recap this week, shall we?

I spent my birthday working and wallowing in self-pity; got a half-decent ice cream cake and some expensive gifts I felt completely ungrateful for not liking (but honestly, he got me lotions and sprays the same as the many I have piled up already).

I spent the rest of the week finding out the very same four people who had said to have my birthday dinner on Saturday, in the city or Queens so people would actually go, and they’d go celebrate Simchat Torah afterwards, are not able to go to dinner because they’re going to shul then. And not even seeming apologetic about it; I’m texting back and forth with one of them now and she said they’ve had these plans for a while. Maybe so but then they shouldn’t have told me to have it that night! And then when I did make it for that night, they should have said right then they couldn’t go, not said yes and then the DAY BEFORE THE DINNER tell me they can’t!

Also just found out A’s school pictures were yesterday; instead of requesting to do his, I was out in Oceanside yesterday and today, and not even able to sleep over at K’s because of a stupid team meeting yesterday. Plus I wanted to get home to my new kitten… not that she’s very cuddly; more crazy and blood-drawing like. And whom everyone else is hogging… and who it seems I’m quite allergic to! I don’t know why I’d be allergic to her and not every other cat I’ve had my whole life, but the nose doesn’t lie… So that + my dad is severely not happy about me bringing her home = she might go back to N.

Speaking of N, she cheated on her near fiance yet again, with D, the guy who liked me but apparently had a thing for her for a while even though she’s been dating his good friend for 3 years. So he’s a d-bag, and she seems to be one too, as well as a bit of a slut. So I’m starting to not like her, and yet, she was one of the only people I actually liked at the camp. I was planning to go back next summer, and she had said she probably would too if I was there. But now… I don’t know, we’ll see what happens.

I think that’s it for now… we’ll see how tomorrow goes, if anyone actually shows up. Two of those four, plus another friend, are sick and probably won’t be there, and then even if the other two show up for drinks, I’m going to be peeved they weren’t there for dinner. Maybe I’ll get over it by then, but maybe not…

Anyways off to have something somewhat resembling a life….

Hyperbole

One time, while my sister was acting up about something stupid yet again, my brother said, “Uh-oh, she’s having another sh*t fit,” to which I responded, “Her whole life is a sh*t fit.” We found it hysterical at the time (still do think it’s pretty fitting and funny, actually).

Well, if her life is a sh*t fit, mine’s just one big load of disappointment.

It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to…

I don’t know why I always think things will change. People will care/try more, stupid things won’t keep happening, I won’t keep being left entirely responsible for my own happiness.

Maybe I am co-dependent, maybe you should only depend on yourself to make yourself happy and whatever else, whomever else, comes along is just extra?

I don’t know if it’s high expectation or low results, but I can’t remember a birthday where, at least at some point during the day, I haven’t felt depressed. Not because I’m getting older (though I’m starting to reach the age where I want the years to start pausing or even rewindng), but because of what happens – or lack thereof.

Maybe things will be better once some sort of celebration is under way; family dinner tomorrow (though by family, I mean my parents and myself because everyone else is far too busy to think of joining us) and Saturday I’m planning on a big dinner with my friends in the city. If I can find a suitable restaurant; I called one today but for a group our size they had a fixed menu with a price of $60 per person! Outrageous. Funny, but the one person actually helping me with all of it is a girl I met exactly a year ago at my friend’s wedding; we’ve met up once since then to go to a vegetarian restaurant since we both are of that persuasion. C’s been no help at all. He actually just called; apparently I’ve been home alone for hours because they’ve all been out running errands (and finally getting me some sort of gift?) but didn’t even remember to actually say ‘Happy Birthday.’ Oh well, we’ll see how the week pans out, I guess.

And yes, I know I’m a whiny bitch. I’ll be better tomorrow.

Endings

When did we get to the point where you mumble your words, and I don’t bother to understand them? When I’m gone all day and grateful for the break from you, when you turn your face to a computer game and I lose myself in the mindlessness of my own internet pursuits? How did we get here, with me hiding my growing nose in your neck as you ask why I’m suddenly encouraging you to get a job back in England? When we both knows that will probably spell the end of us…

When did I decide there would be an end to us?

Trashed my own house party ’cause nobody came…

I though I’d changed so much from high school.  Became more confident, self-assured, out-going.  I have more friends, more of a social life.

And yet, I throw a party, obstensibly to welcome C to NY and have him meet some people, that basically spanned two days since there was all this talk about how Friday was better for half, and Saturday better for the other half.  And yesterday, seven people came.  Tonight – zero.  I sent out dozens of text messages and Facebook invites and only seven people came.  For tonight, only one person even bothered to respond to say they couldn’t go (despite saying yesterday today would be better for her).

And here I thought I wasn’t such a loser anymore…. But if that’s the case, then why don’t even my friends want to make the effort to hang out with me?*  Tonight was supposed to have at least a small group of people over, drinking some beer and having fun.  Instead, I spent it alone in my room (with C in the basement because we had some stupid fight over something I can’t even remember anymore).

*Not counting the couple who made the effort to meet up for a bit this afternoon since they couldn’t make either night.  At least I have a handful of good friends?

Taking It To The Next Step

Is there anyone out there who has NOT recently become engaged?!  This is honestly ridiculous; there must be at least 20 people I know from either high school or college who have gotten engaged (or even married) over the past couple of years.  I heard about 3 of them this weekend alone.  I thought people were, statistically, getting married later in life, not in their early 20s?

Is something similar happening to anyone else out there?  And just how far from these people will I feel if (when?) C and I break up and I’m back to square one?