Musings
Right now, I’m on an old computer. It has pictures from years ago and music from years ago and it’s all making me nostalgic for college. It’s not that I wish I could go back now; visiting Bing over Alumni Weekend made me sure of that. I wouldn’t fit in with the current students and I wouldn’t want to. I’m so much older than they are and yet, I still feel like I’m 20. Like living in the dorms on campus was just the other day, when friends were down the hall instead of different zip codes, different states, different countries! I guess I just wish that time of my life had stretched on, the years lasting so much longer than 24 hours a day.
Browsing the pictures on here, I found one of myself from when I was 19, thin and in shape and wholly insecure. I wish I had then the confidence I have now; it would have been a lot more fun, and saved me quite a bit of heartbreak. It’s easier to be the one who holds the power over the boys, knowing they want you and you can be the one to make or break their dreams of getting in your pants. When what you really want is them in your heart. The year that picture was taken, I went on a couple of dates with M, the artistic poet who represented my dream guy, green eyes and all. Never mind that he was a pothead, never mind that in answer to my direct question if he was a player, he lied and said “No.” But then, could I really expect anyone to say “yes” to that?
It took me a long time to get over M — lots of poems, some good and some bad. Looking back on it now, I think if I had been then the kind of person I am now, that heartbreak might not have happened. Or at least not so severely. I would have played it more cool, I would have been wiser to what type of person he really was (though to be fair, he had such an intense, all-in air about him, I might not have seen through it). But then, if I hadn’t had the experience of M, and the other jerks I dated, would I be this type of person who can sum up a guy in a glance? Probably not.
Ah, life… why must you always be so complication and convoluted?
